A few months ago, it came to my attention that G4 was airing their old game-related shows in a block called "G4 Rewind." G4, for those of you who don't know, is a channel that used to be 24/7 video games. Then about three years ago, there was a shift in leadership, and the network pretty much went to hell in a hand basket (more on that later). Knowing how TV works, I could tell that the block was going to disappear in a few months, so I decided to soak in the vintage shows while I still could.
After rewatching a majority of the lineup, I can safely say that many of the old shows weren't very good (sorry, but it's true). It's not hard to see how a gaming channel, especially one clearly lacking in money, could struggle to put on quality programming. How do you stretch video game television through 48 half-hour time slots? It's hard to have a channel that's nothing but analysis without actually broadcasting the product that you're talking about. ESPN airs sports games, CNN airs primaries and press conferences, but you can't air a video game. No one is going to sit down and watch some stranger play a game that they could be playing themselves. Other than televising conventions like E3, there's not a lot of extracurricular material to put on a gaming channel that isn't just talking about them.
So I want to start off by saying that I understand why G4 got into trouble, and I understand why the powers at be would want to clear house and start from scratch. But good lord, the replacement programming is way worse -- it's seriously some of the worst television you'll ever see in your life.
Going back to Rewind for a second, the only two shows I was looking for to watching were X-Play and Judgment Day. X-Play because it was a great show before it got watered down by cardboard-cutout humor, and Judgment Day because I like seeing two different people express opposite opinions. What can I say, I'm a sucker for odd couple pairings like Ebert & Roeper, Mike and Mike, Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann, and Pardon the Interruption. TV is so lightning-quick these days, it's refreshing just to see two people talk to each other.
Now I wouldn't be writing this if not for some of the odd methods G4 took to "enhance" this block o' shows. For one, they've cut about two minutes off of each program, which for a show like Judgment Day means an entire review will disappear. As if this wasn't enough of an annoyance, G4 also places plenty of ads at both the top and bottom of the screen. Don't be surprised to see a giant bar popping up to tell you that, "SWEAT is next."
The second thing they've done -- and apparently they've done this for all their programming and not just the Rewind block -- is they've inserted a news feed onto the bottom of the screen. So as you're watching your show, there's this news ticker telling you that Jimmy Kimmel's show has been renewed. Now I understand putting a crawl on a news program, you know, a show where you'd be looking for that type of info. But to put it on the actual programming? That tells you how little respect G4 has for their shows, if they think you'd rather focus your eyes on something else.
But my biggest grievance, and I really think this epitomizes what a bad network G4 is, is the image below:
Imagine my surprise, watching Judgment Day for the first time in three years, to see the show suddenly shrink to one-fourth of the screen. Meanwhile, the other 75% is filled with a chat room where people are answering inane questions.
My mind went into a seizure for a second, as I tried to reason why the actual show was being dwarfed by, "What cartoon voice can you do?" This has to be the worst idea in the history of television. How would you like to watch Mad Men and have a chat room pop up that fills three quadrants of the screen? So that instead of watching the show, your eyes are fixated on user DrBlock, who can do the voice of "kermit the frog."
At that point, I began to wonder what sort of master programming was being penned by these cretins. The answer came the following commercial break, and it was just the sort of show that I'd expect from the people who think a TV chat room is innovative. G4's new "hit" show, and I wish I was making this up, is called Hurl. What is Hurl, you ask? Well Hurl is a show where you watch people vomit. According to the show page, contestants will eat mounds of beans, chowder, Mac 'n Cheese, and other crap, then will go on Tilt-A-Whirls and mechanical bulls as they try to hold their stomach the longest.
Brilliant. You can just see the Emmys.
Some of their other new original programming includes The Block: "a hotel where anything goes," Ed the Sock's Night Party, Wired for Sex, Human Wrecking Balls, and Super Big Product Fun Show: "A bizarre trip through every late-night infomercial you've ever seen."
So there you have it. G4 is not so much a TV channel as it is a suicide note by the network executives. You will never see a channel more bargain basement, more cheap, more sophomoric. For god's sake, they are filling the day with decade-old reruns of Star Trek, Cops, and Cheaters. That's the future, that's what we can define your channel as? The Hurl, Ed the Sock channel? I admit that great gaming television might not be possible, but it never had a chance in the hands of these buffoons.
G4 should revert back to being "TV 4 Gamers," when they at least had a purpose and an identity. Gamers are young, sedentary, and watch a lot of television; don't tell me that's not an exploitable market. Besides, when you look at G4 today, their only intellectual property that's worth a cent is video game-related anyway. If you go to their web site, and you poll their viewers, their entire market is gamers. So why not target them? Why not go back to being 24/7 video games? It might not be much of a financial improvement, but at least they wouldn't be the laughingstock of television.
Hurl, what a dumb idea.
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